Total amount of aid the Japanese government will give to Burma for it’s recent cyclone disaster :

28 million yen  

Total amount Japan will pay to China for renting two pandas for one year: 

100 million yen

April is a month worth forgetting. It fell out of the dumb tree, hit all the branches on the way down, rolled onto the the highway of confusion and had a head on collision with a bus of environmentalists. I have pictures. It started off with hay fever torture, a problem incidentally caused the mistaken idea that planting millions of allergy aggravating trees would be a good thing. Happily there was a respite when it rained lessening my symptoms and despair. The next thing I had to deal with was not so much the unusually cold weather but people making confident claims that this was all due to climate change.

Envirotards come in various flavors.  Some think the environment comes under tractor parts in the big list of life. Others are very well intentioned and we know where that leads. Here are some examples of envirotardation I have seen recently. 

1) “Carbon Neutral” printed on t-shirt in a store next to a massive plasma screen tv no one is watching

2) Guy wearing a “green movement” sash and handing out tissues wrapped in plastic

3) A driver, sleeping in his parked hybrid taxi with the engine running

Green washing wouldn’t be a fair word because it implies the green washer knows they are doing something wrong. There is also a definition of envirotard which actually refers to someone who cares a little too much about the environment. But in my mind it is the millions of well meaning people who want to save the earth 10,000 paper pamphlets at a time.

Don’t even get me started on the Olympic torch and the recession. Enough April already.  

(Alex Brooke is available for weddings and children’s parties, just ring 0800-old-curmudgeon)           

Hay fever in Japan

Seconds in, round one. The bell goes and out of nowhere the sugi tree head butts your nose and punches your throat sending you reeling in a fit of sneezing and coughing. Sugi tags hinoki who jumps from the ropes to pile drive you into the ground and rip off your mask. He spits his poisonous tree pollen in your eyes. You are blinded and itchy. You flail around trying to tag your team mate “allergy drugs” but he just sits there impassively on the sidelines twiddling his thumbs. Hinoki and sugi pin you to the ground and in three seconds it’s already over. You’ve lost the bout and only have itchy, sneezing coughing annoyance to look forward to for the next few months. It’s hay fever season in Japan and you’ve been served. 

J-madness in Akihabara

It seems that the ministry of the environment has imposed a ban on hunting maids and cosplay geeks. This has lead to a massive population explosion in the two species in Akihabara. Up until a few years ago, all that stuff was behind closed doors but now it has blossomed out onto the streets. With the sheer weight of people liberally sprinkled with the now standard issue J-madness uniforms, I sometimes feel as if I am swimming through the sea weaving and dodging tropical fish. My little Nemo adventure came to an abrupt halt as a reporter from Fuji TV stopped me and asked if it was OK to be interviewed. As this was Akihabara I assumed that I was going to be asked if I liked Japan or could I use chopsticks or can you dress and feed yourself? She shoves the microphone in my face and asked “What do you think about the current riots in Tibet and China?”. The words that sprang to mind were “erm, “um” which in Japanese are”ano”, “eto”. A billion years of evolution came to my sabotage yet again as I panicked and had the urge to run away or possibly kill an antelope.  I wasn’t sure. I garbled out some highly opinionated, highly uniformed and badly worded answer. Thinking I was off the hook, she then asked “What are your concerns about possible acts of violence during the Olympics?”. I said I would boycott the Olympics to protest against the Chinese government. This was broadcast the next day on Mezamashi Terebi. This could mean two things.

1) I looked like an idiot in front of tens of millions of Japanese people

2) I can’t go to China ever again

It may also mean Fuji TV are getting pretty desperate if they are interviewing Jo Shmo on the street for his detailed analysis of the current political tensions in China. 

Recently there has been a welcome increase in street performers in Akihabara during the weekends 

eBay sucks 

It does, like lemons in hell. The trip to Akihabara was to scout for products to sell in my new online store. To cut a long story short I set up an account, deposited $10 into it and suddenly had my account suspended. I asked why and was given a very spurious reason and of course my $10 wasn’t refunded. I still haven’t got it back. I don’t get all excited and on my soap box for $10 but this fraudulent behavior is probably making them plenty of cash. I did a little research on this matter and eBay and Paypal (owned by eBay) aren’t really regulated. The advice is, if you do have to deal with Paypal or eBay, it is better to make direct payments from credit cards. eBay and Paypal don’t really take online fraud or protecting the customer very seriously. Your bank does and that means there is a higher chance of getting your money back. OK that’s my rant finished. More craziness from Japan coming soon…  

These magic pills are supposed to improve your Karaoke skills

Here are some pictures from a Shrine near my house in Chiba. The first picture is of an iron cast bell. These are rung 108 times on new year’s eve to represent earthly desires. Measuring around two meters in height, these bells can weigh more than two tons. 

This is the base of a stone lantern (toro 燈籠) standing inside the main entrance to the Shrine. 

しかない shikanai is a useful phrase that means only. Here are some examples of how it is used.

Ex.1

1000円しかない

せんえんしかない

I only have 1000 yen

Ex.2

良い関西弁教えてくれるのはBebしかいない

いいかんさいべんおしえてくれるのはBebしかいな

(In this case it is しかいない shikaInai because we are talking about a person)

Ex.3

やるしかない

We just have to do it. (Doing it is the only thing we can do)

Ex.4

バスは１時間に一本しかない

ばすはいちじかんにいっぽんしかない

There is only one bus an hour

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Also, feel free to leave a comment on which podcast/video you liked the most. Thanks

I’m carrying out a small poll just to find out what aspect of Japan you are interested in. I have included seven categories including the option “other” if you feel there is something I have missed in the poll. You can click on more than one box. Feel free to leave a comment.

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Visiting Osaka and not sure where to go? I am compiling a map of cool hang outs and places of interest for the tourist or resident of Osaka. I am starting small but will be slowly adding bar and restaurant info including stories and other anecdotes for you to find some hidden gems in the city. Of course you can search for bars, restaurants and clog dancing schools already but this is my personal take on the city. The map is also open to collaboration. Any comments and ideas would be appreciated.

According to the Japanese Greenpeace website, Meiji Seika are producing chocolate bars that contain genetically modified soy beans. They have banned using GMOs in their Chinese factories so one wonders why there is a different policy for Japan. Greenpeace have started a campaign called “そのチョコまった”. It’s a play on words that roughly means “Hold it there with that chocolate”, a phrase questioning its safety. On their web page you can add your comment to the growing number of posts asking Meiji to not use GMOs.

I used to wonder about what all the fuss was with GMOs however the more I read the scarier the whole issue became. Here’s a short list of how scary they are:

1) Rats fed GMOs had their infant mortality rate jump from 10% to 55%.

2) Rats fed GMO tomatoes developed stomach lesions and 7 out of 40 died in a study.

3) Workers in India developed flu like symptoms after dealing with genetically engineered cotton. Sheep grazed on the land after the harvest and 25% of them died. (10,000 sheep)

4) Monsanto,GMO producer, sued farmers who fields had been contaminated with their genetically engineered seeds through no fault of the farmers. I got this information from the Pinky Show. Watch “What’s wrong with GMOs?” to find out more.

Another issue I heard about was GMOs being grown in Australia. This is worrying for me since these products will eventually end up on Japanese supermarket shelves. So if you are interested you can send an email to Simon Crean the minister for trade telling him about your concerns. Just click on the link below and you will get an automatically generated email. Feel free to change the contents as you wish. Normally I don’t like to get all preachy about environmental issues but this one really bothered me. So save me from GMOs in Japan please!
Email to the Hon Simon Crean MP

Mukatsu ! It’s one of my favorite phrases you can use to tell someone in no uncertain terms where they can go.

Here are some examples.

Ex.1

アレックス まじで むかつく

Alex maji de mukatsuku

Alex pissed me off
Ex.2

なんやねん むかつく
nanyanen mukatsuku
What the hell ? That sucks/That’s annoying

“Nanyanen” is predominantly used in the Kansai area

Ex.4

クラブに はいれなくて まじ むかついたよ
Kurabu ni hairenakute maji mukatsuita yo
I was really pissed off that I couldn’t get into the club)

Ex.5

おまえはむかつ

omae wa mukatsuku

You are really annoying

You can hear some of these phrases in the Mukatsuku podcast I recorded with my good friend Dama. Direct dowload